anti-social media

Monday, April 9, 2018

Photo by Brooke Lark on Unsplash

I've been thinking this evening.

I know.  Run away quickly.  There may be a burning smell.

People I know are getting all crazy about Facebook.

(As are people I don't know.  I don't know everyone, after all.)

There's two arguments that drive me nutbars insane about the whole dust-up/let's mass delete our accounts nonsense. 

(this ended up getting really long, so I'm hiding some of it behind a more tag thingie.  You're welcome.)  :D

A few things I know to be true.

Sunday, March 11, 2018

Photo by Natalie Rhea Riggs on Unsplash

While writing in my brain-dump journal this morning, I realized a few things.

Or, rather, articulated a few things.  Same diff up in here.

There are two things I believe about life with an unwavering certainty:

1.  Promote what you love instead of bashing what you hate. (obviously, as I've said it many times here before.)  and,

2.  That literally anything is interesting if you look at it long enough or deep enough. (even math, and I say that as someone who falls asleep during catchpas that ask the sum of 2+.....zzzzz....  See?)

I'm pretty sure that second one is why I'm never bored.  Ever.  Overwhelmed a lot, yes.   But bored, never.  There's always something to look at.  To wonder about.  To learn more about.  From people to objects to activities to places.  The world is deeper and wider than we can ever, ever know.

That excites me.


Monday, February 26, 2018

#lifegoal one day be as happy as a pitbull with a stuffed moose, contemplating life and utterly relaxing.

on waking up.

Sunday, February 25, 2018

Photo by Alex Blăjan on Unsplash
When you search for "happy" at unsplash, this comes up.
And, I mean, I love my teddy bears and all, but.... ::head tilt::
Still, it was too hilarious NOT to use.  Just saying.

For a while now, I've been feeling like I've been waking up.

Metaphorically.  I still enjoy naps.  Let's just be clear here.

That said, I really don't have a better metaphor.

I'm not sure if the depression med cocktail finally fermented into the right vintage or what, but after literally seven-ish years of sleepwalking, or feeling like I've been partially sleepwalking at least, I kinda feel like the dawn cracked over the horizon and I'm shaking off the sandy-eyed unconsciousness and waking up to life again.

It's hard to explain, if you've never been in that place before.  It's not like I'm unaware of things day to day.  I'm not dissociative, really.  But when I try to account for what I've been doing for the past, oh, say, year or so, I kinda just give you a blank stare and blow a tongue-raspberry and go take a nap.  I've been hibernating, with short periods of being interested in stuff, but slipping pretty quickly back into that state where binge-watching Real Housewives of Whatever is a more appealing thing than doing anything else.

(And, really, it's been more of a "I'll just read this stack of books for sixteen hours straight," than an actual TV binge, but the result's the same: sixteen hours where my butt doesn't leave the chair, and I've been disturbingly okay with that.)

And THAT said, I'm not sure what happened to change it, either.

It's been kind of gradual.  I started getting interested in things again.  Being curious about things again.  Feeling creative again.

I stopped looking at anything political on social media, which was part of it.  (Before anybody gets all sniffy and judgemental, I read the news.  I just don't get my news from WFBK anymore.)  I blocked out all ads and used a browser extension to get rid of any mention of politically-charged terms.  All of a sudden, I like my feed, and my friends, more again. 

I stopped doing things that were stressing me out, and cleaned up a lot of past projects.  This meant admitting that some things weren't going to get done without more blood than I was willing to shed, and after taking the guilt of bowing out, it's done a TON for that feeling of constant overwhelm that was with me all day, every day.  If I felt like hibernating for a day, I hibernated for a day.  (Which was a huge change from denying myself the time off, which led to being so exhausted sometimes that it took more like a week for recovery instead, saving myself six days of self-torture in the process.)

I've been cleaning out my physical stuff, too.  (As has been well-documented here.)  Admitting what I was realistically ever going to get to/be inspired by/use up means that my environment is much calmer.  It's still a work-in-progress, but it has really, really, really helped.  Really.

So maybe it hasn't just been one thing that changed.  Maybe it's just that all the little changes finally snowballed themselves up into an Indiana-Jones-Style-Rolling-Boulder that finally rolled itself off the cliff.  Or whatever. 

(It hasn't helped my weird metaphors.  Obviously.)

Honestly, it kind of feels like I'm remembering who I am.

Before I let people tell me who I'm supposed to be.  Or who they think I am (and should be punished for).  Or who I thought I should be to be more....I dunno...acceptable, maybe?  Adult?

Because fuck shame.

(Sorry, Mom.  I'd use another word if one was appropriate.  But the f-word's it.)

I'm alone a lot right now, since J (the husbeast) got his dream job and is travelling a lot, leaving me and Bellaboo to luxuriate in silence and pastries.  I crave a lot of silence.  A lot of alone-time.  It lets the world be calm around me so the whirlwind that is my brain can also kind of calm down and see things more clearly.

I'm still getting my bearings.

I suppose that happens after being sort of caught up in all the Supposed-Tos and You-Are-This-es and trying to fit square pegs in round holes or whatever.  My brain GPS is recalculating after trying to drive me off a cliff or two for the past eight-ish years.

But it's coming.

I'm waking up.

Don't call it a comeback, I've been here for years.
(apparently, with the Teddy of Happiness in a field of tall grasses.)

Monday, February 19, 2018

When J took this job that has him travel occasionally, I knew it meant a little lifestyle change for us.

It's been about a decade now since I've spent a night without him, with very few exceptions.  (Bad weather when he was working in a city an hour away, or the occasional early morning gig = staying the night before....that kind of thing.)  I've become kind of just accustomed to waking up to his furnacelike butt taking up more than half the bed and his grumpy morning grumbling while the coffee brews.

Today, it's quiet.  Unnaturally quiet.

Bella managed to take up 3/4 of the bed, however, so that part felt pretty normal, but she's kind of beside herself that her favorite guy human isn't here.  She's been nesting in his pillows on the bed and giving me this look, like, it's totally past the time daddy gets home and WHY IS HE NOT HOME WHERE IS HE SOMETHING HORRIBLE HAS HAPPENED.

This job could mean up to 85% of J's working time is on the road.

I need to remember how to revel in the silence.

It's supposed to snow on Sunday.

Friday, February 16, 2018

That's her pillow next behind her.  She's like a big, lazy bird.

Bella is ready.

I, on the other hand, am not.

I have to drive J (the husbeast) to the airport in Portland at buttcrack-o'clock on Sunday night for work.  In the snow.  Possibly on icy roads.  With drivers who lose their minds if there's solid precipitation.

I'm just hoping the weatherpeople are on the wacky cigarettes again.

And then, today, more pencil-mail arrived.

It was my present to myself for finally finishing up on all the tornado pouches from the other day.  (By the way, I put up more stuff.  Less than half of that is still left, so if you want some, hop to it. :D)

I'm pretty sure this summer's going to be all about the drawing.  I signed up for that Craftsy Unlimited thing, and there are roughly four billion classes I want to take.  They're way more in-depth than the Skillshare ones usually are, and on more of the topics I generally like.  I'll keep you posted on how they pan out, and how they add new ones or whatever.  There's 1300+, supposedly.  I should be busy. 

Here's a free 7 day trial link.  I'm pretty sure I get a free week or something if you sign up with it.  Disclosure, blah blah blah.

ANYWAY...before I digressed, I was saying it might be a summer of drawing.  And probably sewing.  I have a lot of fabric already, and I'm totally enjoying using it up with needlecases and junk.  Like, I made this yesterday:

It just feels spring-like, doesn't it?

It's a needlebook, scribblestitched obviously, with felt in the middle, and a matching zipperpouch.  Not bad for a prototype set.

The reason I brought up Craftsy to begin with (I managed to digress AGAIN) is that I'm taking a pen and ink course as my first one, and it's making me want to draw all the things.  So between new instruction and new pencils, I'm pretty sure I'm going to be up to my nosehairs in graphite and ink and watercolor soon.

Not that I mind that at all.

It feels like Spring is finally springing in my head, after a long and dull winter full of mindless living. 

Even if the weathermen are being buttheads about this snow thing.

when the levy breaks.

Thursday, February 15, 2018

First, business.

This happened today.

Last week, I posted what could only be called a metric ton of new artstuffs.

Most of it was fabric related.  Tons of traveller's notebook covers and inserts, hand-bound journals, and I turned all the old art that I've been slavishly holding onto since the tornadoes in 2014, hoping to repair it, into canvas zipper-topped pouches.

Those are just about gone, by the way.  I made like 65 of them, and I think I have around six left.  They did look like this:

There were a few.  Ahem.

This week, I'm really digging into my finished art storage in an attempt to find out what's left and what I can list.  Apparently, during this past year, when I've been a little disconnected and out of it (that anxiety thing again), I put a lot of things away "to be listed later", and "later" turned into "what was that thing again?".  Tons of stuff I thought was long-ago-sold.

Yeah.  Not so much.

So I'm putting those up over the next few weeks, while making roughly enough pouches and needle books and who knows what else to fill up all the spaces again.  I'm trying to list them all now.

I also cut all the artwork pricing, because it's almost spring, and I need a good closet-fluffing.  Spring Clean sale, prettymuch.

So if you're interested...

Check it all out here.
© G O * E X P L O R I N G Maira Gall.